A Fight for Breath
by Euriella
Summary: Shenanigans and mishaps between the two exorcists that can't seem to keep their mouths shut around each other without throwing an insult or two first. Yullen/Arekan
1. Beginning

He was something like an anomaly, but more than an obstacle, less like a problem. Allen Walker finds it hard to believe that he is even trying his luck with this one.

It's nearly impossible.

Sometimes he might think this man is right about him—why put faith forward so blindly, even if you're setting yourself up for failure? Why risk it? Does it make him a fool to do such a thing, especially when the odds of it coming up positive on his side will be extremely low?

With the way he feels, he doesn't really care. Well, at least he thinks he doesn't. He knows that eventually these odd feelings will have to stop; come to an end and he'll realize how stupid he was for even trying.

But for now he wants to revel in it; to let his emotions go wild, let the flame burn inside him as he tries to figure out the man who tries so desperately to hide away from others to keep himself from getting hurt again.

It is so easy for Allen to see through and yet… That man still doesn't seem to get it. Doesn't want to get it.

Allen realizes then, that this is only the beginning.

* * *

_A/N: Hello there, loves. This is not really a story, but a place for me to shove all my drabbles and oneshots. Maybe sooner than later I'll have an actually story worth telling about for these two, but for now, enjoy. Note: These drabbles aren't exactly connected to each other unless otherwise stated._

_Reviews are always welcome!_


	2. Accusation

The sky is dim, the rustle of people not as loud at this time of night, as a young boy strolls lazily along the path in the garden outside his room. It's actually a lot later than it seems, but he really can't find a peaceful way to let sleep take him over, so he decides he's going to just take a walk tonight. Just a little walk to clear his head. If someone caught him, he might get in trouble, but he did this pretty often so it wasn't likely.

His thoughts go over their usual route of exorcist related things, and Kanda. He's become content with the fact that he might be a little drawn to him as far as romantic feelings went. And also content with the fact that he is on his mind nearly all the time.

It really was just something he couldn't help. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it, no, he didn't even think it would be right to act on it. I mean, he'll admit that something like that would be fantastic, but he knows how unlikely that would be and plus—

A noise. Something behind him. He doesn't turn to look, instead he dives behind the nearest hiding spot he can find; a tree that happened to be in the direction he was going in.

When he's sure his heart won't bust out of his chest, he finds enough courage to look, and see what the hell that was. Probably a squirrel or something… but he just wanted to be sure. He could let himself feel stupid later, when he's not getting caught outside his quarters after midnight. His head dips out from behind the tree, just enough to let his eyes scan the scene of where he was walking, eyes practically bulging out his sockets, brows raised high into his bangs when he realizes he's not imagining things.

Kanda Yuu is sitting right there, on a bench not too far from where he was. Allen wondered if he'd been there the entire time or if he'd just gotten there or what. His heartbeat could probably be heard all the way in New York. He doesn't dare go out and try talking to the man, he knows he'll dislike his presence and more than likely assume more of the situation than there really is.

But, before he knows it, he's staring.

He doesn't realize he's staring until the one he's staring at becomes aware of it as well, dark eyes finding his silver ones in a matter of seconds. They are cutting at him, giving him a look, like usual. Only he's sure he sees confusion swimming in those eyes of his, which makes him smile a little.

It might make him look like a total lunatic, but again, caring is not something he's good at [at least for that occasion] at the moment.

"Moyashi?"

"BaKanda?" he replies. The shock is evident in both their voices.

"What the hell are you doing out here, so late at night?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Allen walks out to appear clearer in the man's view, eyes still locked and now letting him see the amazement in them. He really can't believe he's there, just _miraculously_ the same time he is. A million questions run through both of their minds, but the most important one is something they both want to ask.

"Were you… watching me?" Kanda's voice is surprisingly timid, truly curious, and it strikes Allen as unusual. He is showing… genuine curiosity, and he is not being insincere. His question, mixed with all the thoughts and wonder makes him flush in slight shame and pure embarrassment. If Kanda ever knew…

"Um… no, I-I wasn't, really. I was just—I couldn't sleep." He mentally slaps himself for that one. _Smooth._

_He would accuse me of something like that… even though it technically _is _half true._

Kanda smirks, a teasing glance shooting at Allen as the distance between them closes a little—not too close for comfort, just some 'friendly' distance.

"Tch."

"… what were you doing out here, Kanda?" Now it's his turn to answer.

The older man's face goes blank for a little, and he realizes that he too, is stammering, minus the blushing.

"I felt like taking a stroll in my garden." He won't admit to not being able to sleep either; the boy doesn't need to know anyway. "Does it matter?"

Allen smiles. This man never ceases to amuse him, and he just never gets old.

* * *

_A/N: Weeelllll this is the last one I'll post for today. I thought I'd throw you guys a little more since the last one was barely 250 words xD but yeah. Here it is, and enjoy it!_


	3. Letters

"I haven't seen Allen all day, Yuu."

"Oh, I haven't seen him lately, Kanda."

"No, I can't say I have. Sorry Kanda."

The same answer, over and over again. He was able to casually slip the question 'where is beansprout' into the conversation without any lingering suspicions as to why he wanted to know. He might not have even bothered with it, but today was Kanda's birthday. And the beansprout was nowhere to be found.

And he was furious, because that brat said he had something to give him today, and would not stop teasing him about it. Not that he really cared but he was generally curious. Birthdays were never something too special for him considering the way he was brought into this world, so why make such a big deal? It only made him one more step closer to death.

"Damn Moyashi," he muttered as he turned the knob to his door, pushing through it to his own room. He shook his head, ready to toss himself onto his bed and sleep the rest of the day—until he heard the crinkling of something under his shoe. Looking down, he lifted the sole off what looked like a piece of paper, now slightly mangled after its meeting with his foot.

He thought he might throw it away, but there was something distinct about that paper…

It had a letter on it. A single letter; an A.

"Oh god," he groaned. "You've gotta be kidding me." But no, he definitely wasn't. Turning the card over, just as he suspected, it showed a few words scribbled on it.

_I'm closer than you think. Don't look too hard or I'll already be gone._

Just what he needs, a damn scavenger hunt.

**-Later-**

He still can't believe he's doing this, but yes, he's doing it. God, what is wrong with him. Why does that boy make him search? Surely he could've just given him a card or smothered him in his love like usual, but why oh why did he have to make him search. At first, there was no way in hell Kanda was going to look for that damned beansprout; no way he was going to make a fool of himself by following those stupid ass clues.

But the curiosity had been eating him from the inside out, the more he thought about it, and he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep it off so easily.

He was down to the last clue. He'd practically been through every fucking place in the entire facility, even the washrooms. Where could beansprout have hidden? He couldn't have gone too far; he knew he couldn't go two feet without getting lost.

The last letter he'd received had an 'N' on it, and before long he realized they were spelling out the name 'Allen.' Great, how original.

"What the hell am I doing," Kanda wondered aloud as he continued his search. He'd ended up in some large corridor on the far side of their building, rereading the last note to make sure he was doing it right.

_'Lastly, it all comes to an end, when you have the courtesy to bend.'_

"What the fuck is that supposed to me—"

…

He screams in frustration. He knows now, exactly what it means. It clicks so easily in his mind, he can't even fathom how he'd not known before. Running as fast as he could, he made his way down to the cafeteria, shoving aside anyone caught in his way and went into the kitchen. He stopped, looking in every direction before running to a cabinet nearest the stove. He only knew of this spot because it's where beansprout hid all his food, including himself with it sometimes when people nearly caught him during his midnight snacking.

Opening it, he saw something—it was in a red box with a bow on it, and he was sure he could reach it from there. Pushing his arm into the seemingly empty space downward—careful not to strain himself—his fingers barely grazed the tip of the bow.

_Come on,_ he thought_. I can reach this._ He tried again, and then, to his horror, he realized he'd actually have to bend over to get Moyashi's next stupid letter-thing.

Standing upright, he checked every direction once more, making sure no one was around, and bent just enough to snatch the box. Turning back, his breathed a sigh of relief, slamming the cabinet shut.

Ripping open the little box, not even giving it a second thought about messing up the wrapping, he was thinking it was finally over…

Another note. His jaw clenched so tight he thought his teeth might break all at once. This was really starting to piss him off.

'Haha BaKanda, I've been in my room this entire time. Happy birthday! Come get me~'

_Oh hell no._ He was _dead._ That Moyashi was _fucking dead_.

* * *

I kind of felt like this was poorly put together.. haha. But this was originally for a friend, Swankyass. She's awesome, go look her up on tumblr. She writes great stuff!


	4. Denial

"There's something I have to tell you."

He tilts his head, slightly curious, thinking it couldn't be so important that he needed to bother him about it right now.

"Really? What could be so important that you had to barge in my room, screaming at the top of your lungs just so you could tell me?"

His courage begins to wilt at that comment, and then suddenly he starts to think maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come at this hour.

"Uh—uh, well I…" he starts, mentally smacking himself in the face for how flustered he's become despite the way he was acting a few minutes ago. He's sure he'll have that rubbed in his face.

"Come on, beansprout, I don't have all day," Kanda prods, impatient.

His silver eyes connect with dark ones, half scared and half determined, knowing that he can't escape now and trying to find a way to say this anyway.

"I love you."

The older man seems stunned as the words fled from Allen Walker's mouth. Once they'd fully registered in his brain, he didn't know what to do really. He just stared. Stared good and hard, for a few long moments until he found that he wasn't even breathing anymore. Their eyes stayed on each other in that entire time, watching the emotions spill out of each other without a single word passing between them. Allen watches those dark eyes, close enough to see the spark in the cobalt blue behind the thick mask he's usually wearing, aware of the fact that this look he's giving him right now is complete and utter surprise, mixed with shock and… relief?

And then it turns back.

"You are such a complete sap," Kanda starts, making Allen's heart drop all the way down to his stomach, nesting there for a bit as he waits for him to finish. "But…" Hope wells up in his chest at the word, possibility running through his mind. Kanda steps forward, lessening the distance between them to a few inches. As fast as one possibly can, he mutters under his breath.

"Iloveyoutoo."

Something inside Allen starts to fly, sailing and soaring, his heart practically thumping out of his chest at the actual return of the favor. He's almost sure he's dreaming.

"But next time, say this to me while you're awake."

Silver eyes open to stare at a pale ceiling, darkened by the night sky, lit only by the tiny sliver of moonlight dancing across the curves and contours of it. Allen bolts upright, now staring at the same image, only on the wall in front of him. His hand finds his heart, head snapping to the right, and he can feel something inside him… something so deeply laced with passion and delicate in itself, that it's almost heartbreaking.

Warm liquid rolls down his cheek, landing on the fabric of the sheets he'd been curled up in, and he realizes that he's crying.

"I need counseling," he sobs softly to himself.

* * *

_A/N: I'm.. terrible, yes, I know... *cackles*_


	5. Knowledge

Every day, we fight.

Every day, hateful words are exchanged.

Every day, you make it clear how much you really don't like me.

And yet, I always keep coming back for more.

I'll bet you wonder why I do it—why I try to talk to you anyway despite the fact that you're a complete asshole to me most of the time. There is no real logical reason why I should ever want to talk to you after all the hell you put me through constantly.

But here I am, and there you are, dumbfounded every time. So you try harder, and when I'm still standing, you get even more irritated. But you never really wonder beyond that, do you?

It's because I care about you... you fascinate me. In ways I can and can't even begin to describe.

I can see through you, that's what you don't understand. We're so alike, it's scary, and it explains why we clash. But the truth behind it is how much we both really care. I'm aware of it; I accept it… but you hide. You hide behind your cold act, pretending you don't feel so you don't put yourself at risk; so you don't show weakness. Because to you, feeling is weakness.

We both wear a mask. I hide behind my smile, because I don't want people worrying about me. I can deal with things on my own, and anyway, I don't want to be grumpy all the time like you. I don't want to be stuck in my pool of sorrow. I want a chance to live. I put blind faith in others, and I don't give a damn what happens because really, it's better than hating myself and keeping it all inside.

I know why you hide. I see it, and I understand it, and I can't really blame you… but when it comes to me, you are different. You look for reasons to pick on me, expecting me to run so you don't have to deal with me ever again.

Why do you want me to run, Kanda? I'm never going to run, because I care about you. I think you know that, which also drives you crazy.

And deep down… we both know this isn't one sided. We both know you care just as much as I do.

* * *

_A/N: Okay I kind of liked this one because it was... just a joy to write xD _


	6. Flame

Your mouth is hot against mine, breath deep, soft, and heavy. I can feel you everywhere; here, there, all at once. It's electrifying, the way your hands move up and down my back, running back to go through my hair, tugging, pulling as we move. Desire burns inside me, an undying fire. I want it, I need it, and I _ache_ for it. The feeling of you surrounding me is almost overwhelming—unbearably hot.

I can feel the pull of your heart, as desperate as mine, beating faster and faster with each touch, sending shivers all throughout your body; becoming stronger as your eyes connect with mine, dark and smoldering. Everything I want involves you, right here and right now, not a moment later.

Tasting you, touching you, feeling you in every sense of my words. Being near you, being teased by you, it drives me insane. The rush of adrenaline as you move with me, so alive and burning with a newfound passion. And yet I come back, wanting more and more of it, not giving a damn about anything else.

You need me just as much as I need you; you feel me, as in tune with my body as I'm in tune with yours. The sense of belonging to each other as our bodies meet for the very first time, then slowly realizing how meant to be we truly were. Like we knew each other before.

It sounds stupid, it sounds cheesy, but I don't care. I can't stop this feeling spreading throughout my body. The tingle and heat that surges up my spine, shocking me completely alive each time our lips meet.

I can't stop this fire from burning inside me.

* * *

_A/N: So yeah I think I kind of don't like this one as much because I think it's lacking but it's still pretty okay, I suppose. My crack at trying to make this sound less smutty and more about the chemistry |D /lolright_


	7. Winter

_A/N: I wrote this at school a few days ago but on paper so I was too lazy to type it out until now lmao. It's actually pretty long, because I took my time on this one :3_

* * *

They walk together in silence for a while, watching the snow as it fell. It was gentle, calm; flakes fluttering about in effortless grace.

It's a slow day, better for sleeping rather than their current task, but they are out anyway. They don't have much time to be alone together, for fear of getting caught and facing the consequences. So it's days like these where they have to make an effort to stay together.

Allen Walker loves the snow; it's peaceful and easy to hide in for him. The way it falls freely, prickling his skin as it dissolves into it. And since it's the same color as his hair, it's easier to hide from Kanda—perfect for any kind of scheme he had in mind…

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the man, scowling as usual. Flakes of snow are sprinkled all in his hair, which is let down to shield him from the cold. Allen always loved it when he wore his hair down anyway. He liked the way it framed his face and trailed down his back, so Allen could easily run a hand through it while they walked. The dark haired man catches his eye easily, turning his head to look at the younger boy. Their gazes meet, silver eyes blinking a few times to adjust to the bright sky.

Kanda sees the question bouncing around in the pools of grey. Usually he's not as quiet, he notices, and it starts to make him wonder about the boy. When Allen is caught staring, he immediately throws up a front to escape the accusation, but it's already too late.

"What?" Kanda asks. Allen averts the gaze, further worrying the man.

"Do you like snow, Kanda?" The man in question frowns, shaking his head.

"No. It messes up my hair," he mutters. It sounds stupid, but he can be stupid in front of Allen. He feels secure, knowing he won't be judged by the younger boy, who can't help but playfully laugh at his answer anyway.

"That makes you sound so… feminine," Allen muses, trying not to offend the man too much.

"Tch. Better than having old man hair, like you," he cocks an eyebrow at him, tongue flicking inside his mouth as he readies another insult, but suddenly an idea sparks in his mind. He quickens his pace, easily creating enough distance between them so when Allen glanced away from the back of his lover, he'd disappeared into the flurry.

Allen starts to chuckle. _'He is so easy to mess with,'_ he thinks to himself. Tilting his head, Allen begins to worry when he can't spot him anymore. He runs up a little in the path he thought Kanda had gone in, sure he was there a few seconds ago. "Kanda?" he calls. No answer. Sighing, he doesn't stress too hard. He knows the man isn't incapable of fending for himself, but it still bugs him that he's lost him now. He closes his eyes briefly, sighing—

THUMP!

Not more than a second later, he feels a hard splash of slushed liquid meet his face dead on. Turning to the source, he spots the long strands of Kanda's hair trailing behind him as he reveals himself from behind a nearby tree. He catches Allen's eyes once again, a smirk slapped across his face.

"B—BaKanda!" Allen huffs, partly startled, face now halfway numb. "Did you just hit me with a snowball?"

"What do you think, Moyashi?" He laughs, another ball of slush captured in one gloved palm. Allen feels stupid for falling for such a lame trap, but two can play at this game. Grabbing his own mound of snow, he dodges the next attempt to be hit again, diving behind a bush. _'This is where my hair becomes useful…'_

No longer out in the open, Kanda peeks from his own hiding spot to scan the area for his beansprout, ears perking at any sound that is made. To his left, he hears the faint noise of something perhaps taking a step forward…

There! He turns, ready to strike with full force, but he meets air instead. Behind him, he hears more but he's too late, and the back of his head is now completely wet, hair sticking to it. Laughter he recognizes as Allen's makes his blood boil. He whips around, leg sweeping under both of Allen's, causing him to fall flat on his ass. Standing over the younger male, he grins triumphantly down at him, but it fades just as fast when he feels a tug on his own leg, and soon finds himself lying flat on the ground next to Allen.

Simultaneously moving, they clash, limbs tangling. They roll over and over in the snow, further ruining the dry state of their clothes, shouting and screaming at each other as they struggle to pin one another like a bunch or retards.

"Get off me, Moyashi!" Kanda demands, when Allen is on top again. He's tired, now, but he knows Allen is probably just getting started.

"Make me, BaKanda," he grins back down at him, straddling his hips, panting. It's like they're in the sandbox, only it's snow and their hair and whatever exposed skin is soaked. Allen begins to laugh, and the sounds makes Kanda freeze, heat pooling in his face. They don't realize it yet, but their faces are so close, Kanda can feel his breath on his cheek. He tries to ignore how feverish it's making him feel, but he can't; it's there and it's not going away.

Allen can see the look in his eyes, mistaking it entirely, but it gives Kanda another option. After a few moments of silence, their eyes don't move from each other's. They've come to a standstill, suddenly aware of the intimacy in the moment. It's probably a bad idea to feel this way right out in the open, where anyone could pop in, but it's not like they could help it.

Leaning down, Allen closes the space for a moment, ignoring the fight they just had. He won, in his mind, so this is his prize. His hands inadvertently loosen their grip, fingers twitching, wanting to move to run through Kanda's hair.

In which, Kanda takes the moment to break the kiss, throwing Allen over him, face first into the snow.

"Horny teenager," he mutters, smirking as he moves to stand. "Let's go."


	8. Outside

The breeze is light, the smell of flowers and pine trees filling the air. It's quiet, peaceful, and relaxing, here in the garden where Kanda practically lives.

They're somewhere out on a bench where no one can see them, just so they could avoid people for the day. Kanda was never very social, and Lavi and Lenalee would cover for Allen this time. Silently, Kanda lays in the lap of his moyashi, staring up at the sky, lost in thought.

He doesn't feel angry this time. Or upset in any way. The usual bitter thoughts he has don't invade his mind so frequently; not when he's around Allen. For some time it has been this way, and he's let it go on, not knowing what he could really do to stop it.

There was nothing he really could do, if he was going to be completely honest with himself, and he was okay with that. It seemed crazy to think about how much his emotions could balance out whenever he heard that gentle voice, or stared deep into those soft eyes. It was like all his troubles were threatening him, like knives at his neck, and suddenly they just backed off or fell away whenever that boy came around.

It was puzzling at first, and it was difficult to understand. Somewhere along those lines, he decided that he might need the boy. Whenever he was away, the painful thoughts of his past that seemingly haunted him every day would all come rushing back, pushing him over the edge until he almost couldn't breathe. He would distract himself by training or gardening or doing something just so he could get away from the truth.

But then, at the sight of that brilliant, white-haired boy, everything came to a standstill. Calm and reassuring, all he could think about was how to be around that boy whenever he could. The way they could just exist around each other now, without having to fight or argue. It almost seemed like, with their combined masks, they could talk to each other through their fights. Through every word, every insult, they pleaded with each other.

_If we keep going, no one will ever know. No one has to know the truth. No one has to know how broken we are. All they know is the act we put on, and nothing else. They don't need to know. _

_Agreed._

The slight movement of the leg under the back of his head jumped him out of his thoughts, eyes flickering to the boy above him. For a split second, Kanda's expression is blank, innocent, still dazed from his own thoughts.

But Allen sees it. And he thinks it's terribly adorable. Smiling at Kanda as he turns back to scowl at him, he doesn't say a word; doesn't dare to break the peaceful silence they're both sitting in. This is what it feels like to live with Kanda, and Allen wants to savor that moment for as long as he can.


	9. Mad

_A/N: I am not clever, or creative. Lmao. Ever._

* * *

"So you lied to me, then." His voice is still, trying to refrain from yelling. He's clearly upset, and he's not going to hide it. But he doesn't want to yell.

Kanda doesn't dare answer him. His eyes are cast downward; his head is turned away. He's not going to acknowledge what's happening right now until it's over. Until it's too late.

"After everything, I thought… I thought that maybe…" The white haired boy stops, letting his sentence die. He's biting his lower lip to keep the tears from falling, to keep his heart together. Kanda can see right through it, but he hides it anyway for the sake of his sanity.

"Allen…" The dark-haired man tries to speak, tries to say something to save himself; to save them from having to deal with this right now. His voice starts out so low, he wonders if the boy heard him. He doesn't know what else to do, can't think of anything else to say. He's given everything to Allen, from his body to his mind. There's nothing left for him to lose. All he has is Allen Walker.

But he fucked that up.

"No, Kanda… you can't just…" He pauses, trying to bring himself to realize it. It's happening too fast for him to comprehend. One minute everything is okay, then it's not, then it is, and then it's not. "… You can't just tell someone you love them and do what you did. Just because we didn't talk for a period of time doesn't mean you—" Allen stops again, shaking his head. He can't bring himself to say it. He doesn't want to believe this is happening right now. He doesn't understand. He wants to, but he can't.

Kanda can't feel himself breathing anymore. He feels the urge to do something—he can't apologize, not even to Allen. But he can't just sit there. He feels so much safer around this boy, his insecurities gone with the wind; his ego shot to hell. Kanda knows he can't lose that; can't live without it. But he knows he can't blame Allen right now, the boy just doesn't understand. He just doesn't get it…

"I'm so in love with you," he whispers. He says it so quietly that he's sure he was just imagining it. He knows for a fact that he didn't say it, until he sees the boy's eyebrows shoot up, well past how far they're supposed to go.

Kanda can't even believe himself; knows that's nothing he would've ever let himself even think about saying to someone like Allen Walker. But that's just it. Allen Walker. He broke him, and he doesn't know what to do about it. He got through to his heart, broke down all of his defensive walls he spent _years _creating. Without even being able to control himself, Kanda found himself falling in love with this boy.

It was great, until he had to go screw it up. He tried to explain to him that it wasn't what he thought, but that sounded like the stupidest shit ever because it was exactly what it looked like, with a slight shift of details to make sense out of it. But, even in a situation like this, he could not make one bit of sense out of it.

Swallowing hard, Kanda tries hard himself, not to break right there. He can see the hurt, the pure anguish swimming in those beautiful silver eyes, and knowing that he was the one to cause it tears him apart. Allen was right. After all they'd been through, he can't believe this is happening.

"I want to know something," Allen finally says, voice calm as it can be. His left eyes twitches once, a sign of anger that the boy was never able to hide. "Why?"

Why. That was always the question. Why did Allen care? Why did he let Allen do this to him? Why was he here right now?

_Why did he let himself be kissed by someone else?_


	10. Tremble

A/N:

_So, a little present thing before I go to bed :3 ..Am I doing it right? |D Don't hate me ;—; I got so many feels from writing this, but I promise it's not bad!_

* * *

The color of red was all he could see; it trailed from the top of his chest all the way down to his middle abdomen, gushing by the second. The taller man scrambled to find something he could use to add pressure with, deciding on his jacket. Stripping it off, he bunches it up and places it all along the wound, trying to ease the flow of blood coming from the younger boy.

But even as he tries to keep him alive, he knows before he even starts. Unless some kind of miracle happens, Allen Walker is doomed.

"B-… Allen?" Kanda asks, voice wavering, timid. He's terrified; he's not going to hide from that. He doesn't want it to be this way, stupidly wishing it was him instead of Allen. At the sound of his name, the boy turns his head, faintly smiling. He has to be in all kinds of pain, and yet he's smiling. Unbelievable.

"Kanda…"

Kanda swallows hard, eyes locking with silver ones, glazed and tired looking. He can see the fear in those soft pools of grey, despite the calmness he speaks with. He's scared of dying. He's scared of leaving Kanda here, alone. A cold feeling trickles inside of Kanda. It's stale, still, and unwavering. He nearly loses his balance as it starts to pour into him, making him immobile.

"You… said my name."

Kanda can feel something breaking inside him. He knows what this means, and he doesn't want to believe it, but there it is staring him dead in the face. In less than five minutes, Kanda knows he's going to be alone. Just as alone as he was nearly ten years ago. _Again._

_I can't do this._

A pair of dark eyes shoot open, breath hitching to a standstill. The body that holds him immediately wakes upon feeling the discomfort of his lover, flinching at how cold he feels, literally shaking right in his arms. The room is dark, but for the light that finds its way through the windows. Allen can barely see his lover, but he feels him shaking and trembling like a scared puppy. It's so unusual that it almost frightens the boy.

"Kanda?" he whispers, voice tired sounding, but alert with confusion. "Kanda, talk to me." He's forcing himself to wake up faster, suddenly struck with deep concern when he doesn't hear the man respond.

The older man is still not breathing, still way far off into his own mind_. What did I just dream?_ He's asking himself this over and over as he hears Allen try to get a response from him. Sitting up, he can feel himself shaking, trembling with…

Fear.

It is there, staring at him as dead serious as it has been for the longest time. And this time he can't look it in the face and say I don't care. He doesn't know why he had that dream just now, but he knows exactly what that means and that scares him. Allen was _dying_, right there in front of him, and there was _nothing _he could do but watch it happen, and stare into those soft eyes, still smiling as he bled out.

**Smiling**_._ Smiling at Kanda. _Smiling for Kanda_.

Something like anger, just a sliver of rage sparks inside him. That damned boy, he doesn't know how to feel anything but happiness and have an optimistic attitude even when he's _dying._

"Kanda if you don't answer me right now, I'm going to get Komui." Allen is starting to panic now. He's looking down at Kanda, taking his head into his hands to look into those eyes of his. He looks so scared, and it's so not like him to be so seemingly petrified and so afraid that it starts to make Allen a little nervous.

At the younger boy's little threat, he starts to come back a little. He tries to breathe slowly, listening to that soft voice try to coax him to a calmer state, but he's not gained full control of himself yet. Suddenly he's glad he is with Allen now, because that was possible the worst feeling he's ever felt, and the fact that it's not the first time makes it even worse. Anyone else would hold this against him forever, but not Allen.

"… Allen," he says, practically gasping, as if he'd just emerged from underwater. Just one word and he can feel it again. The pure loss he felt in that dream was so real it stripped him of every barrier, wall, or anything that he could possibly use to hide how he was feeling right now in this very moment. He feels like he might just pass out from the pain that caused him.

Gripping the fabric of Allen's sleep shirt, he tears his eyes away, closing them as he starts to breathe more heavily, attempting to slow his heartbeat. Arms wrapped around Kanda, he doesn't quite understand what is going on, except for what he can piece together, and that isn't much. Kanda can't fathom the fact that this was all over Allen; these feelings rushing at him all at once becoming overwhelming. He loves this boy. He needs this boy.

He can't live without Allen Walker.


	11. Wind

_A/N: __Aww yeah here's my writing mojo back, motherfuckers._

* * *

"I fucking hate the wind," Kanda says, scowling. It's not unusual for the man to be upset, except for the fact that he's actually openly complaining about something as natural as the wind. And he's doing it excessively. Perhaps that's the only reason Allen is with him; he's the only one who could stand to listen to the bitchy swordsman for hours at a time, no matter what he said.

Anyone else, on the other hand, would steer clear until it was over.

Allen however, just laughed.

"Come on, Kanda. It's a pretty nice day if you don't let the wind bother you."

"Everything is nice as long as you let some things not bother you, Moyashi," he shoots. He's not in the mood for Allen's politeness today. In fact, he'll do just about anything he can to bring him down just because that's how shitty of a mood he's in today. It's not totally unusual, except for that fact that Kanda has different reasons this time.

Allen sighs. He knows that it's hopeless to try to bring Kanda down, so he lives with it instead, watching the man at a distance. His hair is flying literally everywhere, and he couldn't find a tie before they left, so now he's grumpy and has to deal with Allen being cheerful and optimistic.

Mixed with the wind is the scent of the forest/garden type area they're walking through. They can never be too careful out in public, but here in their 'home,' they can at least be at peace as they take a walk together in a familiar place.

Allen watches his partner's feet as they walk, close enough to hear the man grumbling to himself over his hair. By the next time he looks up, Kanda has stopped yet again to fix it, making Allen start to laugh. Kanda secretly loves that laugh… but he's not about to tell his lover that.

"The hell is so funny, Moyashi?"

"…Nothing…it's just…" he trails.

"Fuckin' tell me."

"Well… I like your hair," he says, bursting out laughing right after the words leave his mouth.

"Fuck you," he snarls.

"We do that already," Allen shot back, teasing. His smile is wide as he moves to help Kanda with his hair, still chuckling. Kanda's face remained scrunched up in his usual grumpy expression as he waited for the boy. Deciding on quick revenge, and acting on impulse, he stretches his leg out, foot catching the idiot beansprouts left leg, causing him to fall right on his ass.

"Oops," Kanda says, grinning rather triumphantly. Pushing his hair out of his face, he continues walking.


	12. Companion

_A/N: You guys get an extra update because I suck dick and totally submitted the same chapter twice OTL yeah, I suck. Thanks for the reviews, anyway! I was going to put this under the theme of Summer, but I don't think it fit quite as well considering Summer usually involves hot things and this didn't really blend with that xD Anyways, hope you still like it either way! _

* * *

The air is thick with the smell of rain. It's nearly seventy degrees outside, and yet it decides to start pouring anyway.

They're fine with that. They can stay inside, enjoy some ice cream to escape the humidity a bit. A warm summer rain starts to fall more smoothly, gently bathing the building it its 'warmth.' The sound of it is heard all throughout the halls, soft and light against the rooftop and windows. It's later in the evening, drawing the boys back to the room they shared, locked away in their quarters for the night.

Maybe half an hour ago, Kanda had drifted off into a well-deserved sleep, listening to the soft sounds riddling their rooftop. He was exhausted, having returned from a mission a few days prior. Allen hadn't seen him for weeks before, naturally, so he was content with just lying there with his lover for a while.

He looked peaceful when he slept. Calm, and scowl free for once in his life. They were just talking a little when he dozed off. Allen's hand had found his way to Kanda's covering it in an attempt to be affectionate with a completely unaffectionate man. Kanda didn't mind it much, just as long as it didn't go further than that. He wasn't so touchy-feely, but he would still work with it for Allen.

Kanda was aware of those silver eyes boring into the side of his face as he lay, no longer asleep. But Allen didn't know he was awake; he still had his eyes closed. Stirring, Kanda flipped himself over, somehow significantly closer to the boy.

"You were staring," he states, voice still scratchy; unused. Allen blushes, grateful his lover hasn't opened his eyes yet.

"I wasn't staring, I was… admiring."

"It's a little weird."

"It's romantic."

Kanda cracks a skeptical eye open, scanning the boy's expression. Allen's soft doe eyes are staring right at him, just as he thought, making him feel slightly naked under the boy's gaze. Part of him doesn't care, because he's actually been in that situation with the boy anyway, so it shouldn't be any different. And yet… he still feels oddly vulnerable.

Rolling his eyes, he tries to blow off Allen's intimate gestures, also trying to keep his composure. Allen could act like the cutest thing in the world sometimes, and while he wasn't about to openly admit it, he still smiled at it once in a while.

He was also really easy to tease, whenever Kanda felt vengeful.

"Beansprout?"

"Hmm?"

"Your cute is showing."

At the sight of his pink tinted cheeks, Kanda closes his eye, resuming his sleeping position.

_Exhibit A_, he thinks to himself.


	13. Sunset

Splashes of gold, orange, and deep blues mixed with purple, and a touch of red touch the entire sky, as far as the eye can see. The glow of the sun is slowly disappearing, making its usual departure for the night. It's not so late that he shouldn't be up, but he probably shouldn't be out while the sun is setting. It'll get dark pretty fast, and then he'll spend a bit of time groping around until he can find the path back to his room.

He might not have to, if he wasn't alone, but his moyashi was currently stuck on a mission, separating them for a bit. He was supposed to be back soon, but Kanda found himself bored to death again, so he decided some fresh air might relieve him of his stir-craziness.

Lately all he could really seem to think about was Allen, but it didn't upset him anymore. Before, it might have, and he might've just sat there and wallowed for a while, frustrating himself to the point of having to meditate or train to get it out of his system. Even then, it still lingered, and drove him mad. But now, staring at the sun as it continued to set, he just closed his eyes; breathing in the warm air, allowing himself to soak in it.

He liked being alone sometimes, even if Allen wasn't there, because it gave him time to collect himself. As much as he liked Allen's company, sometimes there were things about himself he didn't even want that boy to see. He was well aware that he could handle himself at his absolute worst, and it's happened, but he didn't want a repeat of that.

Allen was probably the most interesting person he'd run across in a really long time… it wasn't something you could just ignore on the spot. He would try to ignore it, but it would all just come rushing back until his curiosities slayed him like a hopeless dragon, forcing him to dig deeper in whatever ways he could.

Fighting with the boy was probably the most efficient way to do it, because it brought out a side of Allen only a few people got to see. In a way that might've made Kanda special, but he knew better. He knew that he'd just ticked him off enough to make him become ruthless; violent and unlike his usually polite self.

But it's what he wanted before. He wanted to prove that Allen was faking it, because it was so damn obvious that he couldn't stand to see that stupid fucking smile always on his face when he knew it shouldn't have been.

However, Allen wasn't stupid. He didn't just let Kanda get away with things. He always found a way to get under his skin no matter what he did to fight him off. He did it to prove as much of a point as Kanda had, and in a way, he liked it when Allen fought back. He liked it when Allen showed that he cared. In the deep recesses of his mind, he realized that he liked a lot more about Allen than he let on.

Scanning the sky once more, the brighter colors started to darken and mellow out, allowing the purples and deeps blues to take over, signaling night time. Kanda knew he should probably get inside before he ended up hopelessly lost in the field of darkness out here. The only part he knew by heart was his garden, and he was nowhere near there tonight.

The white flowers lining along the pathway seemed to glow; all of it reminding him of Allen.

And he let it.

* * *

...I may or may not have gone on a mini hiatus because of home life OTL but I'll try to keep up with this as best as I can.


	14. Silver

_A/N: Done on my iPod. This continues after my Day 12 Drabble, where Kanda has that nightmare. Dunno if this was necessary but it was a thought and I decided what the hell, why not?_

* * *

"You scared me." His tone is soft, not really full of the concern he expected. It is there, but it doesn't speak volumes, only shades. Thoughts run a million times an hour through his mind, each one coming to a dead end on what the hell could possibly scare Kanda so badly that he was near tears.

Kanda still hasn't fully recovered. In fact, he's still sitting there, barely moving as Allen literally holds the man together in his strong, protective grasp. His heart pounds heavily, hard enough to where Allen can hear it; feel it pulsing against him. The older man still trembles a bit, but he wills himself past all his fears just so he can look up and let his eyes find the ones that belonged to Allen. He doesn't know why, but looking into those eyes makes him feel calm, less afraid than he was a little bit ago.

He really doesn't like the idea of having to go back to sleep and Allen knows it without even having to guess. It was unusual to see Kanda so unbelievably frightened, and the curiosity was burning; itching inside of him. He wanted to know so badly what was going on with his lover to leave him so distressed, and he didn't care if he became irritated over how much he worried. But he knew it was probably too soon, that words would probably do nothing to help them.

Silence settles between them when Kanda realizes he doesn't have anything to say in regard to Allen's words. He still can't bring himself to sleep after what his subconscious put him through last time. Who needs sleep anyway? Leaning against Allen's chest, he sighs, trying to keep it out of his head for now. Even as he lets his own eyes slip shut, he can still see the concern evident in that boy's gaze. It bothers him, but he can't bring himself to voice that. He doesn't want Allen to go away, and he knows that's what might happen if he decides to pick at him.

Allen sighs, as if it was in response to Kanda. He was trying his hardest not to freak out over the man currently held in his arms. He was still shaking a little, but his breath had calmed down and he was more responsive to his words than before. Allen had no idea what to think about the sudden event of ten minutes ago, and yet it was all he could think about at the moment. He idly strokes Kanda's hair to keep himself distracted from his thoughts.

With all the courage he can muster, Kanda manages to whisper back, "I'm sorry." He can't believe after all that time making Allen wait, that all he can do is apologize. He told himself he would never do it, but this time he put aside his ego just so he escape the monstrous depths of his own brain. Even worse is that it's more unusual for him to apologize at all, further concerning the boy whose arms wrapped around him.

Somehow, through all the abnormality of the situation, Kanda still felt like he owed the boy an explanation for his behavior. At least he could give him that much for all his grief. With Allen there, next to him, alive and not nearly cut in half, he could breathe again knowing the boy was safe.

"It was just... A dream," he continues, but stops right there. He can't really explain himself without sounding completely ridiculous, which makes him freeze mid-sentence.

Allen waited as patiently as he could, but he was starting to get aggravated. "Kanda... Please, talk to me," he coaxed in a reassuring tone, hoping he wouldn't be pushing the man over the limit.

"It was just a dream," he repeated slower this time, feeling his heart race again. That same cold feeling of loss and despair; helpless as he watch his lover _smile at him while he died_ was starting to come back, touching him in all the most sensitive spots on his body. It was scary for him. He still couldn't get over the fact that even when death stared at him as evident as it was, he wouldn't stop smiling.

He let the air flow through his mouth instead of his nose, clogged with his own fear and doubts from the rain in his eyes. He didn't want to think about anything anymore; all he could see now was silver. Elegant in its own, soft and unique by itself, it came in many forms and decided it would show up in that boy's eyes.

He allowed himself to sink in their embrace, to fall deep under the spell of his warmth and comfort for just a little while. They were deep in this mess together now, and that dream was only proof of what was to come if they were not careful.


	15. Curiosity

_A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update this. I've been really busy with school and my family OTL But I've been thinking about it a lot and this happened, so I hope you guys don't hate me too much so you can read v_v Thanks for all the reviews and favs, they keep me going, and they're always welcome! _

* * *

Sometimes I look at you and wonder.

I see you walking by or I'll come over and say hello. I stare politely as you speak, noting the way you react when or don't react to your own words or my responses.

My eyes roam your face; endless amounts of smooth, soft skin, to your long hair that shines bright and vibrantly against your skin.

Your voice soon starts to fade as I think about running a finger down your cheek, and further down your neck, through your hair- wanting to know what it _feels_ like. Perhaps it's crazy for me to want to touch you and feel you; to want to lie with you and listen to the way your heart murmurs softly to the tune of your body. I want to listen to your voice as you tell me what's on your mind in bits and pieces. I want to be close to you in ways others would only dream of, me included.

I feel like I don't know a lot of things when I'm around you. An invasion of thoughts and emotions fill my mind every single time my eyes meet yours, but that doesn't scare me. It only sucks me in deeper to the anomaly that is you.

You're lot different with others than you are with me. Out there, you're difficult to please and pretty much a giant pain in my ass. But alone, we are like a current and a river, able to coexist, flowing with each other naturally.

In some ways, I admire how you can act as two, though it never really fooled me. I always knew which one was mine.

I watch you closely as you tend to your garden; a part of you that seems to exist through any condition. You are so careful, so tender with the way you work, as of something else lay beneath the soil that I can't see. Something that perhaps I wouldn't understand. It's like it may fall apart in an instant if you don't take care of it in that exact way. But you don't seem to mind putting forth the effort. I can feel how calm and at peace you are, in your garden, your safe zone, from all the way over here.

Suddenly, I long to make you feel that way on my own. Just once, would I like to be able to make you feel a way you've never felt before. Together, I feel as though that may be all we need.


	16. Feel

I never expected this calm fluidity that has settled in my life. Most nights I spent alone, either grieving, or perhaps mulling over the things I wanted, or once had that can never be ever again. I sat in my room—bare and lifeless, like ghosts inhabited it rather than a single being. I kept nothing personal for a number of reasons, and still I managed to discover the one thing I never truly believed in.

There's nothing like the overwhelming feeling of care. It's ridiculously satisfying once you feel it, I can't really deny that. But it's even more shocking when it comes from you. I wasn't very used to it in the first place, so you can imagine how blindsided I was when you started showering me with it and reintroducing me to all these_ feelings_. How ironic was it that though I found this pesky emotion to be useful, it had to be from the most affectionate idiot around. I guess that's the god I don't believe in messing around with me, right?

It comes as a natural thing for you. It's easy for you to do this to me, make me feel it more than words can describe. But how do you know, how could you know for sure that you could pull me out of the darkness in my heart and fill it with light? The fact that you tried at all, I'll admit, was the first thing that drew me in, though I made certain you didn't pick up on it.

It didn't sit well with me at first. When I already belonged to the order with no real way to get out, with you showing up I honestly had no hope for your lasting presence because of who you are. No, not the type of person I made you out to be—who you are as a whole. I made you look like a naïve fool, and you ran with it which served me well considering I didn't expect you to be _this_ retarded. To some degree, yes, it was inevitable, but not what reality brought me. But you aren't just blinded by love and care, or just driven by your emotions. It's a large factor of you, but not the only thing present in your heart.

I learned through the forced days of living with you that there was always a negative to your positive, always an unexpected to your expected actions. And while I already knew the downside to accepting the invitation into your heart, I found that I couldn't just say no. I looked into the pale beauty hidden in your eyes, knowing that from the very beginning that I could never get rid of you. You were stronger than I expected; no matter what I did or said you always found a way to spring back. And you even came back with some revenge of your own.

That in itself made me really start to wonder, and before I knew it I was tangled in the web of desire, sworn to deal with this for the rest of my life. I wanted you in ways I'd never thought I could want anyone. Never did such thoughts cross my mind, innocent and dirty as they were, and what scared me most was I wasn't bothered by it like I thought I'd be. Though every part of my being was telling me to be wary of you and stay away, with each passing day I found that I could go less and less time without you… until I needed you.

I've never needed anything. Not you, never the order, not friends, nor family—not even a decent meal to get me through the day. Why do you think I eat the same thing every day? For fun? Just like I never needed anything in my life, no one ever needed me either. And I was fine with it. Relying on others was not the way to survive, and so I never did.

Being needed and needing are two very different things, and I found that both were happening at the exact same time in less time that it took for me to use the bathroom. For someone as dense as you, I don't know how you managed to do this to me—make me feel something I've thought unnecessary for so long.

And even as the anger boils inside me, the confusion rises, and my mind still sits in recovery from the massive blows it continues to receive, I find that because it was only from you, that that actually might be okay.

* * *

_A/N: I wrote this today. Working on Kanda's point of view for once since I mostly do Allen's. Thoughts would be much appreciated :)_


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